I had a bit of a hard day yesterday, as much as I tried to focus on the positives the negatives won out and saw me snacking on left over meatballs that were supposed to be the twins lunch.
It wasn't until I posted my confession on the forums that I understood why I defrosted and ate the meatballs and had an 'ah-ha' moment. I am coming to realise that I am a perfectionist, and one of the downsides is that I don't like to fail. The odd thing is I don't view 'quitting' or 'self-sabotage' as failure. It is only when I try my best, give it 110% and don't make it that I consider myself as having 'failed'.
I set myself the goal to be 59.9kg yesterday, so being 60.3kg by my rules I had failed. Now most normal people would realise that "it aint over till its over" and that with calorie control and exercise there is every chance I will be 59.9kg (or less) next Wednesday.
This is where my inner pessimist gets scared and realises that I am succeeding and nearing my goals, so she steps in and starts the self-sabotage ... "oh you NEED those meatballs" ... "you'll only have 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 5 ... oh you might as well eat those others now!"
The thing is I didn't realise what was going on in my head until I wrote my confession. Now I can see why I don't stick with diets. It is just when I get close that the pessimist who doesn't think I can do it, starts to get scared that I might actually succeed and steps in to undermine me. Now that I know what going on, and that it is because "I am succeeding" I can disarm the pessimist.
I am succeeding, I will get to my goals ... why did I ever doubt it!
After sharing this with my husband he now sees how important this is to me and has agreed to make the stop off and buy me the hand weights I need tonight ... He's had an early start today and will have a late finish, but on the way home he'll go out of his way to pick them up for me ... what a sign of support!
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