Our deepest fear ...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us." - Marrianne Williamson

I came across this on facebook today (thanks for sharing Michelle) and I felt it described some of the self-sabotage I have experienced during this challenge. There is more to fear in succeeding at my weight loss goals than if I would have failed. If I failed no one need know that I had tried, I wouldn't look different, I wouldn't need new clothes, I wouldn't have new habits.


But by succeeding at my weight loss goals I have become more visable. I look different, I need new clothes, even a new style of clothes to wear, and I have new habits which can be disconcerting to people. I am different and I'm not sure how that is going to affect my friends and family longer term.

I have been invited to a New Years Eve barbeque and drinks and I don't know how it will go. The idea of sitting and eating and drink all evening doesn't appeal to me anymore. We also have a big annual fine-dining family dinner coming up, and my Mother-in-law asked "but what will you eat?", clearly her perception of me has changed.

I can see now why I was fearful of success, why my "inner pessimist" was trying to sabotage me with cravings. By succeeding I am forced to change things, and it is always more comfortable to let things remain the same.

Now that I have reached my goal weight (I still have a toning goal to reach) I feel that my fear is now that I will fall into bad habits and regain the weight, but I don't think thats the real fear. I think my fear is a fear of being strong enough to change my habits and how I let people treat me. If I change my habits I might upset people ... or they may appreciate the change ... I won't know until I share.

Mission Achieved

I can't believe it ... I went to try on size 10 jeans today at Jeanswest to see how far I was from my "Super-Ultimate Goal" of wearing size 10 clothes and looking good ... and the jeans fit ... and look good ...

So I bought them ... and am pleased to report I now have a pair of pants that fit me and can't be pulled down while the waist is done up. I don't dare buy a second pair though in case I shrink out of them :)

I'll take a photo and add it later, but for now i'm just in awe that I have reached the size I wished I could be!

So close to my goal

I decided to weigh in a day early this week, have baked two batches of cookies this past week and I wanted to see how much damage I had done by eating the odd one. Turns out I haven't gained this week - instead i've lost another 400g. Now I am getting tantalisingly close to my 'ultimate' goal of being 55kg ... I'm 55.5kg as of this morning.

Now all I can think of is getting that last half a kilo off ... but then what? I have promised myself I will stick out the full twelve weeks to see how trim I can get, but what do I aim for? I started wanting to reach 59.9kg ... so I have reached my 'goal', and now i'm reaching my 'ultimate goal', do I need a 'super-ultimate' goal? I looked at the weigh in page and the healthy range of BMI for me stretches all the way down to around 50kg ... but do I want to aim for a BMI of 20?

My 3 month goals that I set at the beginning were to:
1) Lose 5 kilos, (I'm at 4.8kg lost during the round, 7.8kg overall)
2)Tone up my stomach, (looking pretty good)
3)Wear size 10 clothes. (own one pair of stretchy pants - still yet to attempt jeans)

I'm wondering if perhaps my 'super-ultimate' goal might involve a weekly jeans try on at the shops ... the goal is reached when the size 10s fit and look good on me ...

and then there's the 'super-mega-ultimate' goal of looking hot in some size 10 bathers ... I plan to go shopping at seafolly at the end of week 11 to see how far i've come.

But for now ... focus on the next 500g and the 'ultimate' goal :)

Where I've come from

This week I surprised myself by losing another 1.4kgs. In the past I have doubted every loss expecting the weight to "be back on" by the next week - only it hasn't come back. Its been eight and a half weeks now and I am still losing. I am starting to realise that running a house and chasing after three kids is a form of exercise, so the weeks when i'm not up to 6am runs I still lose weight because i'm eating clean. It is starting to sink in that this life-style change can be maintained, and that once the twelve weeks are over i'm not going to need to sign up again or risk "putting it all back on".

This evening I was thinking about how my weight has changed over the last few years. At my heaviest and unhappiest in late 2006 I weighed around 72kg. I'm 157cm tall so this put my BMI at 29. I fell pregnant with my first child at this point so my weight dropped a little with the healthy eating but afterwards I was at 67kg and joined a gym to get fit. I enjoyed my gym membership but didn't drop my weight any lower than 65kg, and as I tend to do with gym memberships I got slack, stopped going and cancelled my membership. By now it was late 2008 and I was keen to have a second child (why lose the weight now when i'll put it back on in pregnancy). In 2009 I fell pregnant with twins and the extra drain on my metabolism saw my body chew through its own supplies. After having the babies in November 2009 I was around 63kg but the stress of looking after three kids under three saw me turn to chocolate and wine (in the evenings) and my weight crept up. In mid 2010 I was looking for something to help me lose the weight, I came across the 12WBT but it was mid round 2 and round 3 wasn't going to start until September (how could I wait that long!!!). I didn't weigh in but I did turn to Celebrity Slim shakes to lose some of the weight. These had worked for me in the past, but I found myself feeling weak after a few weeks because looking after the kids was taking so much energy. Finally pre-season came around and I signed up and weighed in. I was at 63.3kg. In my enthusiasm I went out and bought the Crunch Time Cookbook and started trying the food. I was so impressed I started following the diet for all meals and by the start of season 3 I had lost 3kgs and was 60.3kg ... the lightest i'd been in 10 years. From there I have continued to lose another 4.4kg on the program which brings me to 7.4kg in 8 weeks ... I didn't honestly think I would lose 5 kilos ... let alone 7.4!

Today I looked at the comparisons over time. From my heaviest I have lost 16kgs, I have taken 6 points off my BMI. In the last two months alone I have lost 7.4kg which is nearly 12% of my body mass ...

Oh and i'm not finished yet! I'd still like to lose another 900g but regardless of that i'm going to see out the 12 weeks of this program to see what my body will do ... I really want to lose another 10cm off my waist and I am determined to look awesome in a swimsuit this summer!

Not having a good week

I'm feeling a bit down in the dumps this week. I've had a dead arm on and off for a week (its very hard to rest it when you have 11 month old twins) and along the way I picked up tonsilitis which presented with all over aches and hot and cold sweats. Not surprisingly my exercise has fallen by the way side. I have been doing my best to keep up with the diet but I have had a few meals where I didn't feel up to swallowing anything more than a protein shake or banana. I am proud that I stayed with healthy choices rather than 'treat' foods, but my snacking has been creeping up a bit.

I did shed 400g this week, which brings my total loss (including preseason) to 6 kilos which should be making me really happy. 5 kilos was my goal and i've passed it, but suffering from tonsilitis is making it hard for me to see the positives. Oh well, I'm going to push on, stick to the diet and hope my good mood returns with my good health.

Whats wrong with me?

I'm not well at the moment ... I slept funny on my arm a week ago and its got worse and worse and today I have aches all over and hot and cold flushes. I don't know if i've been eating too low (i haven't been strictly counting calories, just eating from the menu and snacking when I feel like it) and have exhausted myself or if i've caught a flu or something. I have a bit of a tender throat but its all over aches (esp the head). I had to call my husband home from work an hour earlier today because I wasn't coping with the kids. My three year old has noticed i'm distracted and has been acting up to get my attention - mainly with her toilet use (or lack of).

Oh well i'll go back to bed ... i slept for 4 hours when he got home ... so i'm hoping a little more sleep will help.

In good news at my 4 week weigh in I lost another 400g to bring my total to 6 kilo since the start of preseason and 3 kilos in season 3. I also lost 15.5cm across my measurements despite my thighs staying the same or adding 5mm.

Out of my shell

I have been feeling my clothes getting looser on me but i'm holding out on buying new clothes, or at least I was holding out until yesterday. I bought my first pair of size 10 pants in a while and it feels good to have some pants that fit, look nice and don't need a belt. I wasn't going to buy anything but I went shopping in my smallest pants and while they didn't need a belt to stay up I felt like they were swimming on me. Not only was the waist band an inch or so too large but the pants were large all over, my bra was at least a cup size too big and my jacket and t-shirt were hanging off me. I felt like a little shrivelled nut in its shell ... I would have thought wearing clothes a size too big would be a nice feeling but it wasn't. So I picked up a cheap pair of pants and changed in the toilets - and boy did that make me feel better. Taking the jacket off and wearing the new pants made me feel like the fit and energised new person I am - rather than the worn out and withered old me.

This evening I went through my pants drawers trying to find some more smaller sized trousers for me to wear. I didn't have any success with trousers but I did find one pair of short shorts that might still fit me when I've finished the 12 weeks and I found my fat trousers ... you know the pair you hold on to for the days when nothing fits ... I held them up and they are the making of a great after photo ... so I have one reason for holding on to them ... because I am definately not wearing them again!

Breaking Down ... Breaking Through?

I lost it on the weekend ... Not the diet, that stayed ok but I lost my temper and threw some things around the kitchen. Nothing was broken and no one was hurt but my Mother-in-law saw it happen and is now concerned i might lose my temper again and hurt the girls. I don't see this happening but I needed to appologise to her for losing my temper and try and explain to her where I was coming from emotionally.

She didn't get my points ... I tried to explain but she heard what she wanted to hear and I came away from the experience feeling like i'd been sent to the principals office for bad behaviour ... and it happened in my house (my rules???).

I've since heard that my Father-in-law (who wasn't there) is calling my outburst a "breakdown". I don't know how I feel about that. I would consider a "breakdown" something more traumatic with tears and screams and a feeling of powerless-ness. I didn't feel like crying and while I did shout "its not you - I just hate my life!" at my Mother-in-law I didn't feel powerless or out of control ... just really frustrated and angry.

So now i'm left wondering did I break down? or did I break through? I feel more powerful and determined to not repeat the events that led to the outburst. I am not going to tip toe around my Mother-in-law anymore. I am not going to do "what is fair" at the cost of what I feel comfortable doing. My family is going to be moving to the same city as my in-laws in a few months so I think this was a very important break through to make now.

So I have taken a negative experience and learnt from it ... and the experience didn't require any wine, chocolate or cake to fix :)

Just numbers

I am struggling to accept the result on my scales this morning. They're telling me good news but I don't know whether to believe them or not. Over the past week I haven't been following the exercise program, I have had 5 mornings off in a row and this morning I only did a 15 minute session. No I haven't been sick I just haven't been motivated. My lack of motivation has come from having a house guest and daylight savings changing how light it is at 6am.

But I have been following the menu, with the exception of two meals out - one was a salad and one was a wrap so not binges by any stretch of the imagination. I haven't been eating many snacks although I have been filling some of the calories with skim lattes and instant coffees. My clothes are also loose on me so I know I am slimming down.

I did do two things this week that might explain a loss on the scales - firstly we took the kids to Taronga Zoo on Monday which involved a lot of walking and lifting my 3 year old to see different animals. I did do a bit of pushing the twin pram up hill but that was mainly my husbands role for the day (and pushing a 30 kilo pram with two 10 kilo kids in it plus bags is a workout!). The second things that might explain my loss is that my heaviest twin (11 kilos of muscle) has been a real Mummy's Girl, wanting to be held and cuddled and always within view of me. This has meant a lot of lifting and a lot of distraction from snacks.

Still I didn't expect to see a 1.4kg loss today, I am now down to 57.7kg ... definately the lightest i've been in 10 years (which is scary to say when you're not yet 30!). I spent so long in the mid 60's that I had told myself I could do nothing about my bum, that I just wasn't the right build to fit into skinny jeans ... now I'm telling myself I need new jeans (which I do) because I don't have enough bum to fill these ones anymore :)

I don't know if I will stay this weight or if some of my 1.4kg loss will be back on next week, but that's next weeks hurdle to cross. For now I'll focus on being that bit closer to my goal. I am already 5 kilos lighter than when I first changed my diet, and while I would love to lose the next 2.7 kilos to get to an even 55 kilos my aim now is to tone up my stomach so I can look awesome in a swimsuit on my 30th in December!

My first red flag

The first of three red flag days is upon me. Tomorrow my little girl turns 3 and I can no longer say "I have three kids under the age of three". We're planning on going to the zoo [weather permitting] as a family and we have 14 cupcakes with 'HAPPY 3rd BIRTHDAY' written across them. So given I know I can avoid eating any cupcakes I don't expect a huge diet blow out from her Birthday. However, we have my Mother-in-law staying with us to celebrate my daughters birthday and i'm finding i'm not as 'good' with exercise and saying 'no' to glasses of red wine and cups of coffee as I should be while she's here. I am cooking the 12WBT menu and impressing my Mother-in-law with how tasty good food can be, but I should be being better with the drinks.

I am also searching for more patience to show my Mother-in-law. I know she has the best of intentions and asks questions to make sure she doesn't put a foot wrong, but I spend most of my days with my girls as my only companions so I am not used to fielding question after question after question ... its draining enough dealing with three little ones wanting my attention, but to be explaining or defending everything we do ... well, I just need more patience :) One of my problems in the past has been rewarding myself with alcohol and coffee and I'm finding myself doing it while she's here.


So tomorrow I celebrate my little one turing three and on Monday I will be back on track, I will do my exercise and I will drink more water and less caffine - I can't do more than that!