Saturday, October 30, 2010

Our deepest fear ...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us." - Marrianne Williamson
I came across this on facebook today (thanks for sharing Michelle) and I felt it described some of the self-sabotage I have experienced during this challenge. There is more to fear in succeeding at my weight loss goals than if I would have failed. If I failed no one need know that I had tried, I wouldn't look different, I wouldn't need new clothes, I wouldn't have new habits.

But by succeeding at my weight loss goals I have become more visable. I look different, I need new clothes, even a new style of clothes to wear, and I have new habits which can be disconcerting to people. I am different and I'm not sure how that is going to affect my friends and family longer term.

I have been invited to a New Years Eve barbeque and drinks and I don't know how it will go. The idea of sitting and eating and drink all evening doesn't appeal to me anymore. We also have a big annual fine-dining family dinner coming up, and my Mother-in-law asked "but what will you eat?", clearly her perception of me has changed.

I can see now why I was fearful of success, why my "inner pessimist" was trying to sabotage me with cravings. By succeeding I am forced to change things, and it is always more comfortable to let things remain the same.

Now that I have reached my goal weight (I still have a toning goal to reach) I feel that my fear is now that I will fall into bad habits and regain the weight, but I don't think thats the real fear. I think my fear is a fear of being strong enough to change my habits and how I let people treat me. If I change my habits I might upset people ... or they may appreciate the change ... I won't know until I share.

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