A cheeky weigh-in

I won't try and hide it - I was discouraged by my gain yesterday. I know you learn more from failure than you do from success but my brain was doing some crazy things to me ... Instead of seeing "55.9" as my weight I was seeing "59.5" meaning I was back close to my starting weight (400g vs 4kg). I was good yesterday with my eating and I didn't snack on anything non-12WBT approved. However, we had a left over bowl of chicken & broccolini laksa that I shared with my husband at 10pm when we finished packing ... that reminded me that some of my issues with food are 'couple meal' issues - ie he's eating it so I should too ... despite being different heights, builds and genders.

So this morning I weighed myself as motivation to see how I'd done better and you know what ... i'd lost 900g ... which takes me to square on my goal weight!

Now why was there 900g difference in 24 hours ... I blame eating the kids food, drinking a beer with dinner then a hot chocolate before bed, and I have been having a different cereal this week and I think my body works better with museli and yogurt than cereal and milk. There is also the normal fluctuations in body weight over 24 hours so that might have contributed too.

I have already announced on facebook that i've reached my goal given I fit into size 10 jeans, the numbers on the scales are just that 'numbers' so theres no song and dance about this cheeky weigh-in.

So from here I want to hold my weight steady at 55kg, work on toning up my abs, and make time to run at least every second morning so I can burn off stress.

Argh! my first gain

Crap! I gained this week ... looking at my graph in 'my program' there are these ugly red numbers ... I don't like them being there. Its only 400g and its not unexpected but I still don't like it. I lost 400g the week before so its like the last two weeks haven't counted. I am still under 56kg which is good.

I think i'm most disappointed with my (lack of) willpower this week. I thought I had overcome a lot of issues but I have found myself feeding the kids meals that I want to eat (and they don't really want) that aren't lean, and then I snack on the left overs when they don't finish. I am better than eating scraps - I know this, but I'm not stopping myself.

This week has seen us start to pack for our December move so I have added stress from that. I've also started seeing a psychologist which has brought up a lot of issues I had nicely put a lid on. I also recieved some sad news about a family friend on the weekend who has lost one of her unborn twins at 30 weeks and is still to deliver her babies. Being a Mum, any baby loss is sad, but being a Mum of twins who birthed a twin with breathing problems it brings up a whole lot more issues. I am hoping for the best for the friend, that her surviving twin makes it safely into the world.

So its not surprising I haven't been sticking to the program, but I need to kick myself before this becomes a downward slide. Hopefully the rest of the week is filled with less stress and better news!

Our deepest fear ...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us." - Marrianne Williamson

I came across this on facebook today (thanks for sharing Michelle) and I felt it described some of the self-sabotage I have experienced during this challenge. There is more to fear in succeeding at my weight loss goals than if I would have failed. If I failed no one need know that I had tried, I wouldn't look different, I wouldn't need new clothes, I wouldn't have new habits.


But by succeeding at my weight loss goals I have become more visable. I look different, I need new clothes, even a new style of clothes to wear, and I have new habits which can be disconcerting to people. I am different and I'm not sure how that is going to affect my friends and family longer term.

I have been invited to a New Years Eve barbeque and drinks and I don't know how it will go. The idea of sitting and eating and drink all evening doesn't appeal to me anymore. We also have a big annual fine-dining family dinner coming up, and my Mother-in-law asked "but what will you eat?", clearly her perception of me has changed.

I can see now why I was fearful of success, why my "inner pessimist" was trying to sabotage me with cravings. By succeeding I am forced to change things, and it is always more comfortable to let things remain the same.

Now that I have reached my goal weight (I still have a toning goal to reach) I feel that my fear is now that I will fall into bad habits and regain the weight, but I don't think thats the real fear. I think my fear is a fear of being strong enough to change my habits and how I let people treat me. If I change my habits I might upset people ... or they may appreciate the change ... I won't know until I share.

Mission Achieved

I can't believe it ... I went to try on size 10 jeans today at Jeanswest to see how far I was from my "Super-Ultimate Goal" of wearing size 10 clothes and looking good ... and the jeans fit ... and look good ...

So I bought them ... and am pleased to report I now have a pair of pants that fit me and can't be pulled down while the waist is done up. I don't dare buy a second pair though in case I shrink out of them :)

I'll take a photo and add it later, but for now i'm just in awe that I have reached the size I wished I could be!

So close to my goal

I decided to weigh in a day early this week, have baked two batches of cookies this past week and I wanted to see how much damage I had done by eating the odd one. Turns out I haven't gained this week - instead i've lost another 400g. Now I am getting tantalisingly close to my 'ultimate' goal of being 55kg ... I'm 55.5kg as of this morning.

Now all I can think of is getting that last half a kilo off ... but then what? I have promised myself I will stick out the full twelve weeks to see how trim I can get, but what do I aim for? I started wanting to reach 59.9kg ... so I have reached my 'goal', and now i'm reaching my 'ultimate goal', do I need a 'super-ultimate' goal? I looked at the weigh in page and the healthy range of BMI for me stretches all the way down to around 50kg ... but do I want to aim for a BMI of 20?

My 3 month goals that I set at the beginning were to:
1) Lose 5 kilos, (I'm at 4.8kg lost during the round, 7.8kg overall)
2)Tone up my stomach, (looking pretty good)
3)Wear size 10 clothes. (own one pair of stretchy pants - still yet to attempt jeans)

I'm wondering if perhaps my 'super-ultimate' goal might involve a weekly jeans try on at the shops ... the goal is reached when the size 10s fit and look good on me ...

and then there's the 'super-mega-ultimate' goal of looking hot in some size 10 bathers ... I plan to go shopping at seafolly at the end of week 11 to see how far i've come.

But for now ... focus on the next 500g and the 'ultimate' goal :)

Where I've come from

This week I surprised myself by losing another 1.4kgs. In the past I have doubted every loss expecting the weight to "be back on" by the next week - only it hasn't come back. Its been eight and a half weeks now and I am still losing. I am starting to realise that running a house and chasing after three kids is a form of exercise, so the weeks when i'm not up to 6am runs I still lose weight because i'm eating clean. It is starting to sink in that this life-style change can be maintained, and that once the twelve weeks are over i'm not going to need to sign up again or risk "putting it all back on".

This evening I was thinking about how my weight has changed over the last few years. At my heaviest and unhappiest in late 2006 I weighed around 72kg. I'm 157cm tall so this put my BMI at 29. I fell pregnant with my first child at this point so my weight dropped a little with the healthy eating but afterwards I was at 67kg and joined a gym to get fit. I enjoyed my gym membership but didn't drop my weight any lower than 65kg, and as I tend to do with gym memberships I got slack, stopped going and cancelled my membership. By now it was late 2008 and I was keen to have a second child (why lose the weight now when i'll put it back on in pregnancy). In 2009 I fell pregnant with twins and the extra drain on my metabolism saw my body chew through its own supplies. After having the babies in November 2009 I was around 63kg but the stress of looking after three kids under three saw me turn to chocolate and wine (in the evenings) and my weight crept up. In mid 2010 I was looking for something to help me lose the weight, I came across the 12WBT but it was mid round 2 and round 3 wasn't going to start until September (how could I wait that long!!!). I didn't weigh in but I did turn to Celebrity Slim shakes to lose some of the weight. These had worked for me in the past, but I found myself feeling weak after a few weeks because looking after the kids was taking so much energy. Finally pre-season came around and I signed up and weighed in. I was at 63.3kg. In my enthusiasm I went out and bought the Crunch Time Cookbook and started trying the food. I was so impressed I started following the diet for all meals and by the start of season 3 I had lost 3kgs and was 60.3kg ... the lightest i'd been in 10 years. From there I have continued to lose another 4.4kg on the program which brings me to 7.4kg in 8 weeks ... I didn't honestly think I would lose 5 kilos ... let alone 7.4!

Today I looked at the comparisons over time. From my heaviest I have lost 16kgs, I have taken 6 points off my BMI. In the last two months alone I have lost 7.4kg which is nearly 12% of my body mass ...

Oh and i'm not finished yet! I'd still like to lose another 900g but regardless of that i'm going to see out the 12 weeks of this program to see what my body will do ... I really want to lose another 10cm off my waist and I am determined to look awesome in a swimsuit this summer!

Not having a good week

I'm feeling a bit down in the dumps this week. I've had a dead arm on and off for a week (its very hard to rest it when you have 11 month old twins) and along the way I picked up tonsilitis which presented with all over aches and hot and cold sweats. Not surprisingly my exercise has fallen by the way side. I have been doing my best to keep up with the diet but I have had a few meals where I didn't feel up to swallowing anything more than a protein shake or banana. I am proud that I stayed with healthy choices rather than 'treat' foods, but my snacking has been creeping up a bit.

I did shed 400g this week, which brings my total loss (including preseason) to 6 kilos which should be making me really happy. 5 kilos was my goal and i've passed it, but suffering from tonsilitis is making it hard for me to see the positives. Oh well, I'm going to push on, stick to the diet and hope my good mood returns with my good health.